Bargain Hunting in Anna Nicole's Footsteps

A couple weeks ago, I went to the Vitamin Shoppe* and raided their clearance section. Before I could talk myself out of it, I grabbed two bottles of Trimspa Ultra. "Hey, why are these only $0.50?" Then I checked the expiration date. "Oh, they expire tomorrow." The clerk raised her eyebrows. "Well, I guess I'll just have to take them all tonight then."

The clerk knew I was joking and answered my questions about their reduced price whey protein, saying that the clearance section is made up of discontinued items and expired items. When it's expiring soon, the discount is really high (usually 75%). If it's discontinued, then they start at 25% and slowly work their way up until it's all gone. We haggled for a minute and then I took eight bottles of Muscle Milk away for $4.

The Muscle Milk is all gone now. I actually mixed it with cold coffee and pretended it was a coolata, or frappaspresso, or mochachino, or whatever. Not bad stuff, curbed my appetite, and I actually did some exercise to direct the amino acids in the right directions. In fact, I'm tearing through several different supplements that were deeply discounted, expired, and/or simply unproven to result in any health benefits.

*The next time you need a supplement, or an expensive natural item (besides produce), you might want to resist the temptation to go to Ellwoods. I bought 0.45 oz of Oreganol at Ellwoods for $33, but the Vitamine Shoppe had it for $22, plus their own store brand in a larger size for $16. Um, can you say, "Goodbye snobby hippies." The local store vs. big box chain debate will be saved for another time.

This Trimspa is wacky stuff. Something is clearly going on as a result of each pill that I've taken. First of all, I am not the slightest bit concerned about the expiration date. That's just a gimmick to make you throw it out and go by more at the regular price of $34.99 per bottle. No thanks. At $0.50 a bottle, I'd be losing money if I didn't take the stuff. Besides, it's really a sell-by date and not a use-by date, right? So, after reading up on some Amazon reviews, I popped one before breakfast. And then before lunch, dinner and... well, I've gotten off schedule about these "little purple pills" (they're pink, actually) because they kinda sent me into orbit around Saturn. But, I'm back now.

The results? First of all, this Trimspa includes Hoodia. I think that's a South American cactus derivative that's supposed to make you eat less. And the list goes on. These pills have a slew of "natural" appetite suppressants and fat-burners, like green tea extract (increases metabolism by 4%), as well as grapefruit extract (no idea), and caffeine (about a 1/2 a cup of coffee's worth). Basically, I'm experiencing intermittent bouts of low-level mania, constant teeth grinding, and a strangely fluctuating appetite (instead of simply gorging myself three times a day).

The biggest trouble for me is figuring out when I can afford to spin like top after a a Trimspa pill and when I need to hold onto my inner still point. And then there's the coffee. I can't stand to combine stimulants, so I won't take Trimspa in the AM too often anymore. Which means that I'm basically taking one pill every other day or so, which is probably for the best. Of course, the reviews all conclude that you only see results if you take three per day like clockwork. Even though I'm bucking the system a bit, it's not a bad thing, cuz many of the potential side effects listed here are kinda serious and I don't wanna follow in Anna Nicole's footsteps. One thing's for sure, I'm not going to weigh myself and give you a status report. You'll just have to go out and do this experiment yourself if you're really curious. But, do be careful.

Until then, BEEFCAKE!!! Ommmmmmmm... BEEFCAAAAAKE!!!